Fallout 3 Parody!
by MIZZOU
Summary: An impeccable Lone Wanderer, ridiculously easy women, freakishly huge baby schlongs, unnecessarily violent kills, and incredible displays of manliness ahoy! These are just a few of the "totally realistic" things this spoof will poke fun at!
1. Baby Jesus Is Born!

**Disclaimer:** Fallout 3 is not owned by me

Hey guys, as you should know, this is a Fallout 3 parody. I'm basically just taking the flaws that I've read in the fanfiction, magnifying them x100, and throwing them into a story. Oh, I make fun of a few things in the game. Hopefully, none of you a offended by any of it, as it was meant to be entertaining, not hurtful. If you think I'm making fun of something from your story, don't get all mad, I'm exaggerating. It doesn't mean your work is a piece of crap, in fact, it probably means I _liked_ your story, because I remembered it. Besides, if you can't laugh at yourself, you shouldn't laugh at all.

Another note, if there are inconsistencies in this, they're probably meant to be there.

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"Oh my God. It's COMING!" Catherine Stu moaned.

"You're _what?"_ her husband asked incredulously.

"The baby!"

"Ohhh. Gotcha."

Catherine Sue, that easy-bake oven for heroes popped out a Savior. Since it's more dramatic and heart wrenching this way, she died while giving birth, because the intensity of such an awesome thing coming out of such an unworthy _snatch _it just too much for a mere mortal to handle.

Ignoring the dead appliance, James held up his beautiful son. The baby was muscular, had a thicket of hair on his chest, and a foot long schlong dangled between his legs. At age ten seconds. James was proud.

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**Sixteen years later!**

"Chillax, son, you're the fuckin' Lone Wanderer, you're totally incapable of doing things wrong!" James assured his son uncharacteristically.

"What?"

"Erm, nothing. Go win the G.O.A.T.!"

Gary, Hero of the Wastes, Pimpin' Patriarch, Messiah of Manliness, and Allah the Almighty, (see "God") grunted and went off to take the scariest test EVER.

"Hey Gary," that unimportant-black-guy-who-dies greeted.

"Hey, um.... John?"

"It's Jonas."

"Yeah, Jordan, whatever. See you!"

You may have thought that little exchange was rude, but I promise, it was not. The Lone Wanderer is incapable of such disparagement. It was all good, and Jacob didn't mind, because let's face it, he's kind of worthless.

So, our little angel was off again to the classroom of impending doom, when all of a sudden...........

"Butch stop it! Leave me alone!"

Oh my Gary, is that a _DAMSEL IN DISTRESS?!?!?!_

This looks like a job for... Gary the GREAT! Because, as strong and smart as Amata is supposed to be, she can't take care of herself for shit. Walking away is also _not_ an option, because then, who'd save her? How else would Gary show off his superiority? It's the job of women to be helpless and to be saved by men, okay?

The sight of seeing his woman being harassed by the notorious Tunnel Snakes sent Gary into a blind fit of rage! That doesn't make sense, because given the gang's reputation, this has probably happened many times before, but _now_ is different, _now_ is the time for Gary to shine.

"Come get some, Tunnel _Fakes_," he taunted, showing off his cleverness.

"Tunnel Snakes RULE!" another black guy shouted, and it was on like Donkey Kong.

The crazy mofos actually thought they could compare to the Lone Wanderer, and were greatly mistaken. Paul came at Gary with a raised fist, and was dead before he hit the ground. Er, I mean, Gary knocked him out, with one punch that was too fast to see. At this point, he is too pure to kill. Wally was next, and even though he's older, and should be bigger and stronger, Gary overcame all odds, as always, and demolished the deadbeat. Butch was last, because he's a pussy. The bitch proved the point by flipping out his toothpick, which was super deadly. Gary was unfazed, and just punched Bitch in the face. All of the Tunnel Snakes were unconscious, and Amata was saved.

"Thanks Gary, wanna fuck?"

"Of course!"

And they did, it was passionate, sweet, hot, and most of all _good_. Gary was a champion in bed, which was probably due to the fact that he had all sorts of stamina and muscles. Oh, and his 12 inch horse-cock helped a little too. Amata had 100 orgasms before Gary even had one. What a baller. Afterwards, he gave Amata a good slap in the face, because _real_ mean strike women, and Gary was definitely a real man.

Once they were done, they walked into the classroom and magically weren't late. The Lone Wanderer was never late. Upon entering the classroom, Gary received many glares and other looks of disgust. You see, even though Gary was good at everything, he was the Vault Fag. It was because James is his father. Amata was his only friend, and we was a lonely little queer. He was just such a failure, every time he talked he stuttered, and he was a total social retard. When he walked by, kids would snicker at the nerd, because he was just so damn pathetic. God, what a loser.

Gary took his seat behind the love of his life, Susie, even though she was a total bitch and rarely talked to him. She wasn't really that pretty, and Gary didn't know much about her, but loved her nonetheless. Black Teacher handed out all of the tests, and Gary got down to business.

The test was stupid, and for the last question, Gary crossed out "The Overseer" and wrote "Gary," because it was true. Gary's presence in the vault made it heaven, and kept it perfect. If it weren't for him, the whole Vault would just go to shit and a handful of people would die. Gary turned it in, and it was decided that he would be the next fry cook. He was so badass, he didn't even care, and on his way out of the classroom, in a burst of confidence, he slapped Susie's ass and she giggled seductively at him. It was a good day.

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**Three years later!**

"Wake up! You have to wake up!"

"Shut up, bitch, I need my mansleep." Gary growled groggily at the annoying vagina-on-legs.

"God dammit, get up!"

This caught Gary's attention, and he shot up like lightning and grabbed the nuisance by the neck.

"My last name is not "Dammit", Amanda." He snarled in her face, striking fear into her doe-like eyes.

"I'm so sorry! And, it's Amata..."

"Don't care. What's up, babe?"

"You're dad is gone!"

That was all Gary needed to hear, he flew out of the room immediately, with nothing but a baseball bat.

He's so d_reamy_," Amata swooned.

Gary charged through the halls, blindly killing everything in sight. He was PISSED. He killed Bitch in his outrage, but no one really cared, because he was mean. When he came across Innocent Vault Member 1 and 2 he decapitated their useless asses, and ran into guys, with guns. This didn't slow Gary down, and he stormed up to his attackers, being shot 20 times in the process, but Gary continued to torpedo down the hall, until he was face to face with his assailants. He grinned at them sadistically, and then tore out their hearts and ate them.

"Tastes like chicken," he muttered, licking his lips.

When he finally made it to the Overseer's office, Amata had somehow gotten there before him, and was being interrogated by _El Diablo_, and Wally Mack.

"You better tell us where Gary is, or I'll kill your family!" Alphonse threatened menacingly, not realizing that _he_ was Amata's entire family. He nodded at his goon, which was an indicator that Wally should smack Amata upside the head with a baton.

Gary was again infuriated, and barged in, frothing at the mouth roaring "NO ONE BASHES AMATA'S HEAD IN BUT _ME!_". He swung his bat between Mack's legs (which is kind of a weird way to attack someone with a bat) and crushed Wally's dream of reproduction.

"Home run!" Gary exclaimed, impressed with himself for all these cool catchphrases.

"My hero!" Amata screamed, and ran to her man to have a porno-esque makeout session, right in front of her father.

After a few minutes, Gary was agitated by the woman's existance, and pushed her aside. His intimidating eyes glowering at Alphonse, who had been waiting patiently for his attention.

"You ordered that Mack attack, you're going to pay!"

"That's what you're mad at me for? Seriously? I ordered everyone outside of their quarters to be executed, had Jonas beaten to death, and was planning on murdering you in your sleep this lovely morning, and all you care about is the fact that I had involvement with Amata's insignificant boo-boo?"

"Well, yeah."

"Oh."

An awkward moment of silence passed for a while, until Gary got bored and decided to tear Alphone's throat out with his teeth. The man fell to the ground, and Gary promptly gave him the teabagging he deserved.

"Oh my God! Daddy!" came Amata's shrill sobs, which _really_vexed the Lone Wanderer. Amata was crouched over his dad's writhing body, and she seemed to be sad for whatever reason. He rolled his eyes at her weakness, and gave her a swift kick to the back of the head, knocking her unconcious.

God continued his journey to the vault door, marvelling at the beauty of it. It was so awesome and different from everything he'd ever seen before. It looked like a big door, pretty sweet. Gary flicked a switch, and it opened.

"Oh my God, you did it! You actually opened it!"

"No shit, Sherlock. Can I have a farewell fuck?"

"You may!"

Gary's performance was stellar, as always, while Amata's was mediocre. She was becoming too boring, so he was glad to leave her behind afterwards. Once he was done with her, he left without looking back.

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This was actually a lot of fun to make, mostly because it was easy. I don't know if it's actually funny, but I had a good time. It only took me like 20 minutes, too. More people should make parodies, I'd read 'em.

I felt that there was a need to explain some of the things I've spoofed. "Gary Stu" is a very fitting name for the Lone Wanderer, as he's always so God damn perfect. But I like him that way :). The easy-bake oven comment about Gary's mom was just what I felt that she was. She practically has no point other than to give birth to Gary, then die. Throughout this fic, I made fun of the many things so many writers do to their Lone Wanderers, make them have abnormally large penises, or have ungodly sexual prowess. They also try to make their LW's too "manly", and I have read stories where the hero will hit women for no particular reason, other than they were being emotional. And, whenever you have too much manliness, you'll run into chauvinism. I HATE chauvinism with a burning passion (kind of strange for a guy to feel so strongly about it, huh?), and can't stand to read sexist stories. Most writers don't realize they're being sexist when they are.

On the LW forgetting Jonas's name, that's actually happened in a story I've read. The writer didn't forget the name, but they put the wrong one in. I thought it was funny, and I can't say I blame the author who did it. I myself didn't put the teacher's name in the G.O.A.T. part because I forgot it. That was kind of a parody of how games often have blacks irrelevant. "Butch" and "Bitch" were also meant to be switched, at first bitch was a typo, but I decided to keep it. I did call Gary "God" once on purpose, too.

Also, is "porno-esque" not the best thing you've ever heard? It's risqué and elegant at the same time! Sorry about the long Author's Note, by the way. I talk too much.

I guess if you have to explain your own jokes, they're not as funny, but I just didn't want anyone to be all "Where'd that come from?". Most of it is quite obvious, though. I'll think about making a Chapter 2 of this, and continuing Gary's adventure. Tell me if you thought it was funny, and whether or not I should continue this.


	2. Gob is HAWT

Since I got such great feedback, I've decided to continue! Thanks everyone! And from now on, I'm capitalizing any pronoun used to describe Gary, He's God after all.

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Gary opened the piece of shit door that led to the horrible Wastes, and immediately His eyes hurt super bad. But, they felt fine after a second, and Gary continued on. He decided to go to Megaton, because that's where His Pip-Boy told Him to go, which is totally logical, even though it'd be impossible for the Pip-Boy to know anything about the outside world. Just go with it, okay?

On His way to the town, Gary stumbled across a large group of those darned Super Mutants! Super Mutants usually don't hang around in this area of the Wasteland, but I have to put _some_ kind of action in this chapter, no matter how forced!

Gary said "wtf?" and hid behind a rock to eavesdrop on the ugly monsters.

"omg I h8 hoomanz." an ugly stated. I'm not exaggerating the Mutants' lack of intelligence here at all, this is seriously how dumb they are. Really!

Gary was incredibly offended by this, so He charged the pack, dual wielding His 10mm pistols (He made them out of air). Normally, 10mm pistols would have absolutely no effect on Mutants, but with Gary shooting them, He was able to kick some serious ass.

Gary shot a Mutant square in the eye, and it exploded, spewing chunks at all of its friends (he has big eyes?) and a fountain of blood poured out of the socket. Another bullet hit him in the waist and he split in two, his entrails spilling out of the top half. He landed on the ground with a splat, and tried to scoop his organs back in to his torso. Gary aimed His pistols at another Mutant and shot him in the back of the head, because he was turned around for whatever reason. The Mutant's brains flew out of his nose and landed in another one's mouth and he choked to death. A big green monster went up to Gary with a sledge hammer, and Gary delivered him a hard kick to the balls, and he died. Then, Gary decided to drop His guns and Karated those motherfuckers. It was easy for Gary to beat up armed Super Mutants with His bare hands, because, as His dad said before He was the "fuckin' Lone Wanderer". A few Judo throws, Lotus kicks, and Karate chops later, Gary was knee-deep in blood, and alone again. Yay for believable fights!

Upon arriving at Megaton, Gary saw the bomb and said "wtf" again. Then, He met ¡Significant Black Guy!, who was pretty nice. Gary had never seen a black man before, and at first thought he was just dirty. He was replulsed at the man's appearance, and demanded that he bathe in the water by the bomb. ¡Significant Black Guy! laughed, and told him all about African Americans.

"We're dark, and have large dicks!" was his boast.

"Not as large as mine!"

"No, not that big." he admitted. No one is allowed the best the Lone Wanderer

¡SBG! gave Gary directions around town, and Gary decided to go to the Saloon first. Gary entered the bar, and scoped the room, He did a doubletake and stared at the bartender. He was one _hot_ piece of man-candy, what with his torn flesh and overall "rugged" appearance. If Gary wanted to, He could easily peel off all of the "skin" that covered the thing, it was so flaky. For some reason, it drove Gary wild and He found the ghoul to be substantially sexy. Gary waltzed up to the bar, and took a seat.

"If you left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit in between the holidays?" Gary asked coyly.

The bartender's eyes widened, and his jaw flew open. It seemed this guy wanted to hit him like most people, but in a _totally _different way.

The ghoul started stammering, trying to formulate a coherent sentence, perhaps to scream "yes!" since it's been so long since he's gotten any, but he couldn't. Not before Moriarty decided to ruin the romantic moment.

"Gob, what the hell are ye doin' me lad?" Colin said in his random Irish accent as he hit Gob with his lead pipe. He ignored Gob's fallen body and turned to Gary. "Sorry 'bout that. Damn ghoul can't do a thing right."

"You are a penis." Gary told the man, giving him a steely glare.

"Well, I guess you don't want to hear the super secret information I have about your father." Colin retorted, magically knowing who Gary was and what He was searching for.

This snapped Gary's head up, "DADDY?!"

"That's right, I know where he is."

"TELL!" Gary yelled, lifting Moriarty by the neck. Since Moriarty was a greedy jew, he didn't just give Gary the information. He told Gary that he wouldn't tell Him anything unless He coughed up some caps. Gary didn't have any, so He was forced to go make some. He saw the woman in the back and got an idea. The woman kind of looked like a lesbian, but Gary was the Lesbian Cure, so it worked out.

Approaching her, He used another lewd pickup line, "A cat falls into water and a rooster laughs. What's the moral of the story? A wet pussy makes a happy cock. I need money, and I'm not above prostitution, so fuck Me."

Nova looked at Him dubiously, "I'm a whore, I screw all day an get caps for it, why would I pay to do it?"

"Because I'm Gary?"

"Oh, okay then!"

After they were done, Gary was one hundred caps richer, just enough to buy the info about His dad. Moriarty told Him to go to this place in D.C. where another ¡Significant Black Guy! was, because Three Dog knew everything. Before He left, a man in a suit beckoned Him to come over.

"Hello, I have a proposition for you. Megaton is a cesspool of nauseating worms. The septic tank of the Capital Wasteland, if you will. Quite the unsightly pimple on an already ugly face. I'd like someone to pop that zit, and You look like the man for the job. You're tall, strong, handsome, brave, tough, charming, caring, smart, and I'd like to do dirty things with You. So, will You blow up Megaton?"

"You're a creeper!" Gary squealed, then pulled out His 10mm pistol and shot the man's head off. No one cared though, because he _was_ a creeper.

Then, Gary went to Lucas Simms to ask if He could disarm the bomb, to spite that bitch Mr. Burke. Lucas said if He disarmed the bomb, that'd be super cool, and He'd get a house! Gary disarmed the bomb, just like that. I don't know how He did it, or where the hell He got the skills to do so, but I'm assuming it's just because He's Gary. Once the threat of the bomb was gone, Simms gave Gary some money, too! Gary had to decide if He wanted to spend it all at Moriarty's Saloon, because He was really depressed, or check out the Craterside Supply. In the end, He figured He'd need a gun, so He went to Moira Brown's shop.

Little did He know what a crazy bitch Moira was.

"Hey!" Gary called when He saw her, "You're that redheaded nympho chick!"

"Erm, what?"

"Nothing. ME WANT GUN!"

"Oooh, okay! Here, have an assault rifle, it's what everyone in these stories has when they first start out!"

"GUN! :)" Gary shouted. Then He was deadly serious, "I sleep with every woman I have a conversation with, so spread 'em!"

"But... no one finds me attractive! I have a mustache!"

"You're the most beautiful girl in this room."

"FUCK ME!" Moira screamed, this was the first time someone had ever said something like that to her. She must not have realized that she was the only female in the room.

Moira lived up to her title as the "redheaded nympho chick", she was crazy for cock. It made her notice that she had no sex life, and she begged Gary not to go. But it wasn't Gary's style to stick around for very long.

"See ya, Firecrotch!"

Since Gary had nothing more to do in Megaton, He left the town, and started His way towards GNR. He had to find Daddy!

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I finally got chapter 2 done! Sorry for the wait, I kinda forgot about this. I think I like Chapter 1 more, but this one isn't so bad. I love Moira Brown, I swear, she's like my second favorite character. I've always thought of her as someone who was deprived of sex, but reeeeeeeaaaalllllyyyy liked it. You gotta love the American Pie reference, she's just like that band chick! And I don't care what you guys say, Nova DOES look like a lesbian!

Capitalizing "he" and "his" all the time for Gary was a total pain in the ass, I don't think I'll be doing that anymore, sorry if I missed a couple.

Alright kiddies, thanks for reading, and please review!


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